“Do you know I fell in love with you the first
time I saw you?”
Danger! Danger!! Na so my brain just dey sing
o. I come dey wonder wetin the babe dey even
talk about. Why she go just fall in love without
knowing me. Now, we both know say that talk
no make sense. I been dey office that time…
“Sorry Hannah, I am kinda busy now, why
don’t we talk later”
I tell her hoping say she go understand. My
Americanized boss just dey my desk side dey
wait make I drop call.
“It is a lie, you are with a woman.”
And so? I dey as I dey, tell you say I no get
babe, you go believe? I no tell her that one o. I
just dey imagine how some babes go dey
believe smooth talking guys like me self. You
see as I dey carry make you laugh smoothly,
saying the right things, then you come ask me
silly question like:
“Do you have a girlfriend?”
Of course, we don prepare the answer already.
Na wetin some girls no just understand. Them
dey wait make we tell them the truth but for
where, truth always dey bitter. We go resort to
wetin dey more comfortable.
“Yes, I used to have”
Now, you are not lying to her. Sorry, if na me, I
don’t consider this as lying. I use to have a
girlfriend but as I dey with you now, na your
own sure pass o.
Na the usual question be that. Na so I go
come make my voice softer come do face like
say I dey remember many years ago as e dey
nollywood film. I go open mouth close am,
open am again come answer:
“She was unfaithful. Caught her with my best
Na the best lie to serve any woman be that o.
That aside, make I continue with my story….
“No, I am not with anybody. I am in the office.
I will have to drop the call now please.”
Click. I dropped the call and looked at my
boss. She looked back and smiled like she
knew what was happening over the phone.
“You are running away from your
She asked in a playful tone. Madam, kai, very
playful woman but if you eff up eh, the way
she carry mouth finish you eh. She fit even
remember wetin you do her 50 years ago for
matter wey you feel say dey meager.
“Continue with what you are doing, I will call
you when I have more things written down.”
She said and walked away. No ask me… I
don’t have such thoughts towards people I
work with. I am a professional. I had barely
settled down to my duties when my phone
rang again. This time it was Perpetual. Don’t
ask me o, her number had become registered
in my head. It ends with 064.
I answered in a husky voice.
“Hey baby, this one your voice is like this, hope
you are not fighting with me.”
Kai, she no even greet. Alright, no problem.
“Nope, we are not fighting o. Only have
something on my table right now”
I answered sullenly. I still dey wonder if she
go greet me but for where, wetin follow nearly
make me abuse her father.
“Baby, this one your voice is not sounding
sweet, let me allow you face your work o. But
ehm, can you send me MTN 400? My stomach
is paining me.”
Jesus!!! When airtime become painkiller?
“Owk. I will, hold on eh. I will send it when I
am less busy.”
Na so I drop call carry hand put for head.
Wetin I go buy now? Carry problem wey no be
my own put for head. Choi. Na so I hurry do
wetin dey my table go downstairs go use ATM
VTU take send the money. As it is with guys, I
don’t call after sending money to a girl. I wait
for her to sacrifice even if it is 3 Naira to tell
me she had seen it.
I went back to work, mostly browsing
Nairaland sha. Then it was Mazi’s Story that
was trending. (Wetin happen to that guy self?)
After wetin for close to three hours without
any call, I decided to call her just to make sure
she had seen the card. This is the
conversation that ensured. Word for word.
I said as soon as she picked the call.
“So it is common N400 you can’t send ba”
I was shocked o. I swallowed my pride but the
bloody thing still came out so I had to take it
easy on her. She know how I hustle before I
get that money abi she no know say na huge
chunk comot from my monthly budget for
“Wait na… Did you..”
I did not complete the statement.
“You claim to love me yet I am not seeing
anything. Just one request and you have not
called me for long.”
Kai, like she made any request the first time.
Na so I just dey wonder how I wan carry tell
her say I send her money through VTU. I
never think finish when I hear…
“kpoon kpoon kpoon”
She don drop call. One kind rage just fill my
head. I carry phone begin type text. I wan
break up immediately. I don finish type am
wan send am when I remember say I don
invest N800 for her head. Kai, the toto shall
not pass me by. I delete the text come type
something wey dey more sober.
“You never gave me a chance to explain. I do
love you and will do anything to make you
happy. Maybe MTN decided to withhold the
money I sent through VTU to test our love.
Well, I am going to the ATM machine right
away. Remember, it pays to be appreciative.”
I insert the last line for effect purpose. I no
reach 3 minutes wey I send the text na im her
call enter. Forget o, I no move one inch comot
from my chair. My father name na Babalola,
“Hello baby. I am sorry for shouting at you.”
I no say anything.
“I saw the money. I thought it was MTN that
dashed me money.”
Kai, I swear this babe na b’i’t’ch.
“Have you sent the one you said you are going
Click!! I cut phone. This babe really dey out to
chop my money o. Na later I come dey see
apology text message. She even promise say
she go change. Make we see sha.
I did not keep my phone on my table when it
started ringing. It was Hannah calling. Since I
was less busy, I picked the call.
“Foxy, why are you doing this to me?”
Was the first question she dropped on my
head. Some babes can so think they own you
because they gave you toto to Bleep. I hate
that thing eh. I Bleep you no mean say I like
you. Na mutual agreement between the fucker
and the fuckee (Mazi’s Dictionary).
“I am not doing anything to you. You said you
love me, I am happy about it.”
I answered her.
“Is that what you will say?”
See Jamb question.
“What else do you want me to say? I am even
hungry right now. I am yet to take my lunch”
I answered hoping she would cut the call. But
the reverse seemed to be the case.
“Sorry baby. What do you want to eat when
you come home?”
She asked sweetly. My ears pricked out. Now
that is what I am talking about. A girl playing
the role of a man because you have fuckeddd
“Uhm, I think I will want something to
I answered. There was silence at the other end
before her voice finally came up.
“I will have to go to the market o and you
know this is dry season. Ugwu is not readily
Well, who cares? Not me.
“That’s what I want to eat o.”
I answered her sullenly.
“Owk, when are you coming?”
I asked back.
“To my place na.”
Oh… This babe wan use me do ritual ni? How
long I know you when I go begin come your
“You know there is hold-up all the time. I will
reach your place when I reach it. Where will I
I asked for description. Now, I am releasing
information o, the babe don move out from
“When you drop at Maraba under bridge, cross
the road and enter into the park (before it was
demolished), take a bike and tell them you are
going to Aso, Assemblies of God church. I will
come and pick you there.”
The she emphasized.
“Please don’t disappoint me.”
Am I mad? Disappoint fire? Kai, free food, free
toto. Men, Aso, here I come!!!
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