Now, I have spent time trying to console
someone. In fact, a total stranger whom my
diicck had adopted. I had done all I could to
make her keep quiet which she did and now, I
am stuck between the devil and the deep blue
sea. I can’t sleep in her house, my body will
be found pounded with pestle and cooked
with hot water. I can’t attempt to go outside.
Those guys smoking would strip me to my
boxers. What do I do?
Such was the delima I found myself in. Even
though I had announced my going, I had
made no effort to get up. I was still seated. I
was doing all the calculations in my head. I
was still dressed in my working clothes. My
school bag containing my laptop was still
slung over my shoulder. My shoes which was
polished that morning and which I had just
bought the previous week adorned my legs.
My clothes were new too. Wahala ti de!!!
“I think I should be going”
I made the announcement again. What was I
expecting? An offer to sleep in her house?
“Owk love, good night.”
Now I’m fucckked. I asked myself questions
only I could produce answer to. What happens
if my laptop is taken away? The clothes no go
be problem o, but the laptop? Modem?
Nairaland (Seun, make your head no big),
facebook? Kai, I enter one chance all in the
name of getting an extra pusssyy for my
diicckk. Kai, the brain in my diicckk really need
to be checked.
The first time I am calling her baby.
“You know I am so tired. This bag is weighing
me down. You should help keep it for me, I
will send my younger brother to collect it
Like I had magic cowrie sewn into my tongue,
she just accepted the bag without questions.
Kai, my phones had miraculously found its
way into my bag. Don’t ask me how. Your
brain processes information and tasks at
10000000000000000 Zilabytes when you are
faced with very difficult tasks.
“Good night angel”
I kissed her lightly on the lips and pulled the
gate open. The babe no even follow me go
outside self. So much for love abi? I got
outside and started walking home majestically
throwing my hands in the air like I had no care
in the world. My heart was beating right in my
brain. I swear no be lie. You know when your
pulse transfers from your wrists to that tiny
vein on your head and start doing “dut dut
dut”, that was exactly how I felt that night.
“Na where you dey come from without shoes
My younger bro asked immediately I stepped
into the sitting room. My breath was high but
who cares. Na only shoe na and seriously
nobody asked me for it. I only heard “hey hey
hey”, and my legs kicked in. The shoes found
their ways out of my leg when the acted as a
“From work na. But men, some agberos been
dey fight for junction walai. Na run I carry
comot from there”
I said breathlessly while I proceeded to the
kitchen to dish food for myself.
The next day, I had already left instructions for
my brother to retrieve my items from
Perpetual. I was in the office feeling uneasy
and trying to concentrate. No phone to play
with, nothing to do. Just sitting my black
Bottom and browsing through Nairaland. Each
time I will have this feeling like my phone is
vibrating in my pocket but men, nothing.
I closed and got home to meet my brother
watching a movie on my laptop.
“Attai, I see your show for road o”
He said to me and smiled briefly while I
frowned and went to pick my phone. It was
off. Well, I had switched it off.
“Hello, Perpetual. Yeah. Thank you for
yesterday. No, can’t come.”
That was how the conversation flowed.
“I am not feeling too well. My stomach is
She said, making her voice sound like a baby.
My brain processed the information the
normal way so my reply was in the normal
“Sorry my love. I wish I am there right now. I
would have worked on it”
“Go jor. You that say you can’t come.”
“Yeah, I can’t really. I am very busy right now.
Loads and loads of work to do.”
I replied trying to pacify her.
“So it is only sorry you will tell me ko”
Now where is she headed to.
“Lots of love baby, muah muah”
I blew kisses into the phone.
You know that kind of his that make ones ear
drum vibrate. I pulled my phone out of my ear
and looked at the screen to be sure her lips
were not going to come out and suck my ear
drum outta my ear.
“Ah ah, what did I do na?”
“Na only love I go chop? Abi na your kisses I
Kai, now that was harsh. But what was more
harsher is the next sound that followed.
“Kuchup. Kpoo kpoo kpoon”
She had dropped the call on me.
I said referring to my younger brother.
“Go buy me MTN N400 own”
“Attai, I love you. You are the best thing that
ever happened to me.”
Okay, I know what you guys are thinking. I just
played the mugu. But to me? For every action,
there is an equal and opposite reaction. N400
no be child’s play and I go draw the oil
equivalent. If only the oil would come quickly.
My phone started ringing almost immediately
that I dropped the call. It was a strange
number. Owk, every number for my phone dey
strange. Una no fit blame me na. Na so I pick
The person call my name like say e no dey
sure and na woman voice the person get self.
“Yes, na Attai”
I answer am back.
“It is me”
You who? I resemble magician.
“Sorry, I misplaced my phone so I lost all my
contacts. Don’t be angry, who am I speaking
Any of una wey dey read this story wey don
call me before go understand say na so I dey
take tell person say I no get him number.
Sometimes self, na forget I dey always forget
to save the number.
The next question wey suppose comot from
my mouth na “which of the Hannahs” but I
dey craze? Na so my former babe carry break
up with me because I mistakenly ask her,
which of the Lindas.
Just to but time.
“You gave me your card yesterday. We met in
Bingo, no Bruno, no Lucky, no Tiger!!!
“Yeah, I remember.”
“I tried your number a couple of times
yesterday but it wasn’t going through.”
She said, her voice dey sound like say she
“I am sorry about that. There was no light to
charge my phone and my generator had fault”
Now, that is one big lie. Una no fit blame me
na, you have to do the do to get the pucci.
“Uhm…. Can I come?”
Chineke, the babe was leading me o. Naturally,
my diicckk kicked in and it replied instead of
“Okay. Meet me at Oceanic Bakery. Do you
I asked abi, my dicckk asked.
She asked back. Typical Naija girl. SHe even
don waka reach that ends self.
I replied, I just dey pray make no be July f00l
she wan run for my head.
“Expect me in the next 15 minutes.”
She said and cut the call. Na which house self
she wan come? My sister place? For where. I
quickly pull my clothes, where white
sleeveless, three-quarter and palm-sandals. I
look my brother, him still dey watch film. I for
like carry the guy join body but men, this babe
fit need something else o. I no forget to carry
my wallet sha. I pick my phone, dial my friend
wey him house dey closer to double pole. Toto
can really change the world. Me wey dey fear
double-pole wan attempt the place in the
night. What can toto not do?
I hala the guy.
“Foxy-B in the building.”
No ask me o. Na my stage name be that.
“You dey your crib?”
“Yes, you dey come.”
“Big time. E get one game wey I wan run for
I answered him.
“Oya na, I dey wait. Do sharp sharp come as I
wan comot self.”
Bingo!!! I pray make the parole make sense
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