So I stand for bridge dey wait for bus abi car,
in fact anything wey fit just come. If you dey
Abuja and you no get car, you go understand
wetin I dey yan. Na so you go wait for bus
stop make you enter car, you go see half of
the population of Nigeria dey wait with you. If
car mistakenly stop eh, na blow, punch, bite
and push them dey carry enter the car. Na so
the thing just be me. Kai… It wasn’t funny and
still isn’t wallahi.
I stood there for a very long time, maybe
because I was reasoning who the guy who
had picked the call is. Now, you know that
feeling of you nearly getting something,
something special, then you discover that
someone else has it and even has no value for
it. The feeling of emptiness. That was exactly
how I felt.
“Masaka _ Ado, N150. No change!!! If you give
me five hundred, I no go return your money.”
I heard a voice screaming. I was lost in
thoughts. I lifted my head and saw Abuja
Molue (Yes, you read it right. Abuja has
molue. Green in colour. Very old and rickety
and those guy? Hold-up doesn’t hold them as
cars clear from their way. Who would want to
brush body with a rusting car? Even if na
them brush you, them go rake about their
constitutional right till the point wey you go
just forgive them) coming to a halt. As
expected, masses rushed towards the car.
Me? Kai, I was in the forefront of the struggle.
I no wan hear say this car leave me. If I don’t
get in, I will spend N200 but if I succeed enter,
I go buy Plantain Chips for N50. I be
I had picked a seat close to the window (my
best seat during any car ride) and had settled
down. People were still trooping in.
“Move a little please”
I heard a voice say to me. Lol, I was 2going so
was oblivious of my surrounding. I adjusted a
little, the owner of the voice sat down. The
voice was feminine o but I did not look up, not
until half of the person’s a’r’se rested on my
lap, I had to adjust. Damn!! That a’r’se was
soft. I looked up and saw a girl trying to bring
out her phone from her bag. The side of her
face was beautiful and I could see she was
dimpledified (una understand na). I swallowed
a little bit and waited for her to lift her face up
completely. She did and whola, her lips were
as thick as mama iyabo’s kpomo. Her bosom
were so huge it was pressing against the seat
in front of us.
The devil got me thinking. Yes, put the blame
of every misdeed on the devil. I wanted to feel
those bosom. The ar’s’e had created its own
effect, now is time for me to create mine. I
saw she was adjusting, (the journey was yet to
begin) looking uncomfortable. I was there to
“You can seat by the window while I seat
Yeah, only half of her ar’s’e was occupying the
She stood up while I came out from the seat.
She entered and sat down comfortably leaving
only a little portion for me. Thank God men
have small nyashes and what they lack in
nyash, they have in preeks (some men which I
am lucky to be part of).
“Everybody don siddon? Oya driver, make we
Me? Siddon? Mba!!! I was wedged in-between
two fat people, a sumptious lady by my left
and an obese man by my right. I was f’u’cked.
“are you comfortable?”
The kpomo lips sporting babe asked.
“Yes, very comfortable.”
I replied. You can see the contortion of my
face from a mile. You will know I am being
She said and placed her hand on my laps.
Hmmm… Signal!! Signal!!
I could not even 2go again. I just abandoned
it, plugged my ear-piece into my ears and
started listening to Eminem’s “I’m a Soldier”. I
am a great fan of Eminem from childhood but
if I hear say I fit rap follow some of im raps.
As the journey started, she leaned and placed
her head on her hand on the front seat. Her
bosom stared at me without protection. The
fatman was already nodding his head while
my di’c’k was doing residential evil (the
awakening). I acted like I wanted to scratch
my chest, arched my elbow and brushed it on
her gigantic b’o’o’bs lightly.
There was no bleeping reaction!! Memories
came flooding back. (TRAVAILS OF A MALE
As I looked at the brea’ast, left one in
particular staring at me, na so my heart pick
up rhythm. I just dey look the bosom as e dey
shake anytime wey the driver wan accelerate
or decelerate. Na so I just dey imagine how
the bosom go feel like. My elbow just rest
lightly on the bosom. Light for inside bus dey
off and other passengers ma just dey look dia
I decided to make firm my elbow which I used
in tugging at her bosom a little bit to see the
reaction. The babe acted like she was asleep.
The music playing in ma ears had turned to
“Not Afraid” by Eminem.
“Make una bring una money, gather am line by
The conductor pleaded with us.
“And like I been say, if you no get change, your
money go become my own”
That part was a joke. The buses though are
notorious for delaying you each time you give
them a higher denomination and there’s no
“Bros, abeg you get change”
She spoke from within. Da fucckk my elbow
was pressing firmly on her bosom.
“Ehm.. No worry about the money”
Yehhh… N150 for pressing bosom. Fair
enough. I hear say ashawo dey charge higher
for Abuja. In fact, Nassarawa wey I dey. Me
no dey do ashis sha but I follow one of my
friend go City Rock for Mararaba. Na 700 the
guy pay. Na me even bargain because him say
I’m must Bleep that particular girl. I swear to
God, the girl get belle. I no just tell am. When
him come back, I ask am how him carry
Bleep… See im reply..
“Na the first time wey ashawo dey gimme
Canine Methodology be that”
Me? I just laugh.
“Na sake of say she get belle na”
I reply am.
“No wonder. Na wetin make her dey complain.
Only God know how the pikin head go look like
once she finally born. The pikin suppose get
migraine sake of say the number of preeks
wey go dey knock him head no be here.
“Oga, no change o”
The conductor shouted at me. He squeezed
his face to look tougher. I was not in the
mood to argue.
“When you see change, give me. And the
money na for 2 people self.”
I said to him.
“If I gat one shot, one opportunity”
Lyrics of ’8 Miles’ blaring through the
speakers. Yeah, Eminem seemed to know I
was finding it hard to make up my mind. The
day had gotten dark and we were stuck in the
crazy hold up of Abacha Barracks. Now, this
molue usually manoeuvres its way out of tight
situations and in doing so, it usually follows
sides of the road. This causes the passengers
to be thrown against each other and is my
perfect opportunity to do things under the
guise of being shaken up.
Na so I removed my elbow, carry hand grab
the full bosom. I fit swear say the babe no
even stare. The fat man no send and
everybody just dey shout make driver take am
easy. I held the bosom for some seconds
before I started fiddling with it. I fondled and
fondled, my preek charge and charge. Na so I
carry my bag wey I dey always keep for
ground come up. I rest am for my knee.
E be like na invitation. The babe hand ma just
grab my preek. I first pause, swallow spit
come look around. I wan make sure say coast
dey clear for the kind thing wey she wan do.
Nobody even look back. I felt like the only man
in the world.
Una understand say if woman begin touch you,
you go get morale proceed. Na when she
bone, you go dey reason whether she dey vex.
Na so e do me o. I just turn my hand put
inside her shirt. Now that position dey
uncomfortable but na how man go do. Her
hand wey dey handle my preek. E dey sweet
me so tay I feel say na cheating if I no grab
ha natural bosom without bra. Na dia I see
myself dey play with bosom like say na
government job. The car sef just dey make
Small time, her hand comot from my preek. I
come dey happy say I don win, say she dey
feel me pass. Na when I hear my zippers dey
go down na im I know say I still be learner.
Her warm hand dey my boxers dey drag am
The conductor shout. I freeze.
“Oga, move make I come down.”
A voice was saying from behind. My hand don
comot from her bobby o. But na so her hand
don grab my natural preek dey squeeze am.
Men, na small, I for just open my mouth say
Journey continue o and e come be like say
hold-up no go dey Mararaba. I no know where
the babe dey come down. Na so I put hand
inside my bag, retrieve my wallet. Check
inside, carry complimentary card put for her
Na so the babe take come down. Oya, wetin
make I put my wallet for bag na sake of say
eh, one una wan enter car. Una go drag.
Person fit drag your wallet comot from inside
Na Perpetual dey call.
“I really want to see you tonight. Let’s meet at
Her voice sounded teary. I was alerted.
“I’m on my way.”
I was still at Ado junction. Just five minutes to
New Nyanya junction my final destination.
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