I felt I had struck jackpot. My heart leaped and
to be candid with you guys, I saw it performing
acrobatics. Chei, I was a circus performer at
heart. I was busy smiling when..
“Attai, are you there?”
I heard that beautiful voice again. You know
that feeling na? When after walking under a
scorching sun, someone gives you very chilled
pure-water to drink. You know how you will sip
the water little by little to preserve it. That was
how I wanted to preserve the moment. I was
savouring each sound of her voice.
“I am but my spirit, soul and body transformed
by cosmic powers is seated close to you.
Angel, your voice can make a man do things
that will make the world question him later”
I dropped that one. Seriously, I did not know
when I said that. It just came out.
“You are flattering me again ba. Okay, bye”
And did I beg her not to drop the call? Nope. I
know say I don get her and nothing she fit do
again. She was already within my grip and me,
when I hold something wey dey priceless, to
leave am dey like big work. I punched the air
and screamed, my hand holding my mouth
tight. I was boiling over with joy.
“You are celebrating the devil”
My colleague who I believe had been eaves-
dropping my conversation suddenly spoke out.
“I will ask God for forgiveness later”
I replied him. He shook his head and went
ahead to tell me the story of a man who said
he would give his life to Christ at the last
minute. He ended up dying in an accident. His
head was cut off from his mouth upward. Now
that story scare me, na so I open my mouth
like say I wan breath, sharpaly exclaim silently
“God forgive me.”
See, na normal thing to pursue woman o, but
men, I dey always fear make e no be when I
dey give do’g’gy style to babe na im trumpet
go blow. How I wan carry explain? Na utmost
ffuucckking for hell be that na and I believe
say the puussyy go be chuku-chuku. (Una don
watch that Liberian girl testimony na)
“See you. Just continue for your misdeed”
“Your hell-fire go hot pass my own”
I shouted back at him.
Office through out that day was fun as I did
things that made other workers to stare at me.
If you wey I senior just say,
“Attai, abeg help me fetch water make I drink”
Normally, I go use bad eye look then warn you
make you no ever make that mistake again.
For where. This time, na speed I dey carry go
fetch the water. I dey do all those things just
for time to run but the time self just stiff die
like say earth dey find am difficult to rotate
again. Pardon my pidgin. I know say e dey
hard una read sometimes.
I waited till closing time, 6:00pm. First time I
did not inform my boss I was leaving. I just
went to where my bag was kept. Opened it,
sprayed my chinese perfume for body. Entered
into the restroom, looked at my face and
spoke some words of encouragement to me.
You know how they say, if you don’t talk to
yourself, who will?
I walked outside, entered the lift and stopped
at the last floor. From there I proceeded to
walk to the bus-stop. I no get car so babes,
make una know that one now. I had gotten to
NNPC towers when my phone rang. I looked
at the screen, it was the same number. I
quickly picked it. I waited and the person at
the other end waited too. Sensing she wanted
to play with me, I opened my mouth…
“Only the sound of your breath is lifting me up
here. I can’t wait to look into those lovely eyes
and express myself proper to you.”
I thought I had dropped a great line.
“So na you dey disturb my babe!!!”
A voice thicker than Obasanjo’s own spoke
from the background.
“Ahh.. Bros, so na you?”
I said stopping dead on my tracks. I had
already gotten to my bus stop which is right
on the bridge. There you will see cars going
directly to Nyanya, Mararaba, Ado, New
Nyanya (which happens to be my bus stop)
“Yessss… Na me, any problem?”
He asked. His voice appeared thicker. Me? I
was not in the least beat scared o. If him wan
form boss, na for himself and na from person
hand him collect the toto from. Me ma wan
collect the toto from am. I had already gone
into my archives to provide what I would use
in answering him and trust me, my mouth dey
sharp for this kind thing. If na face to face
confrontation, I for preach to am but as per
say na phone, I go show am say him no
suppose to dey pick him girl phone.
“So you are that guy that makes Perpetual cry
all the time eh”
I had made my voice stronger, giving it that
iron feel. Call me, I will speak in that manner
to you if you want (dudes only) but if you are
a lady, I will make my voice as soft as the
wind. Na so in-between your legs go dey
scratch you somehow. No try me, I mean am.
My grandpapa teach me the juju well.
He was taken aback.
“Sorry for yourself. This is how you guys go
around breaking women heart and at the end
coming to monitor your sister’s phone”
It came out before I could stop it.
“Mr. Man, she is not my sister. She is my
He said, his voice sounding loud. I removed
my phone from my ear. I would have cut the
call but I have the training on managing your
anger during call. I can scream at you all I
want, you can abuse me all you want but I will
never drop the call on you. I will have to say
that normal “BYE and Have a Nice Day”.
“It changes nothing. You cheat, you lie, you
beat her. Malam, that babe should be given
I dropped it. He could not reply immediately, it
looked like he was thinking of what to say.
“See, you better mind your business”
“Why would I mind my business? She is my
I said silently.
“Sorry bros. No vex.”
I did not wait for him to finish before cutting
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