I resumed work feeling fresh and fly. Na so I
just dey run my things like say nothing dey
happen. I don bone Perpetual side for like 4
days now. Which kind babe self she dey claim
abi no be toto she ma get? You go send
person recharge card, she go flash you make
you call back, then she go tell you say she
don see the card. Most times self, I go just
dey wish say I fit just march go her house go
collect all the money of the card wey I don buy
for her.
“Attai, Attai”
Na wa o. This my colleague no wan free me.
He come smile like say him don hit jackpot.
“I had a very great vision.”
My ear stand. All my mind be say him don see
vision for me as I take become the first Idoma
man to rule Nigeria. Well, if the country never
turn to Arewa, Biafra and Odua by the time I
ready to take the reins of leadership.
“Really? Tell me about it.”
I come leave wetin I dey type, carry my hand
drop for my chin for full alert.
“I saw myself.”
“You get vision for yourself come mean say na
me suppose interpret am for you?”
I asked him. He looked at me like I did not say
anything, instead he resumed his speech.
“You know I am like the assistant pastor in my
church, I am now planning to build my own
Ahhh…. What plan would one who is still under
tutelage have?
“See, your hell fire no be here. So you dey plan
to rent shop take begin your ministry eh?
Choirs and female members don carry belle
finish be that.”
I chided him.
“That’s why you need to change your life. I
might consider you.”
He concluded his speech not minding my
“Mtchw… See this man. So you want the two
of us to dupe people? Just say it out. E be like
nollywood don too full your head oo.”
I said to him and decided to face my work.
“See Attai, you won’t understand. The bible
says, Behold I come like a thief in the night.”
That got at me.
“I know. But you should examine your life first.
Remember to remove the log of wood in your
eyes before removing the spec in mine.”
I cautioned him.
“Ehm ehm”
A female voice coughed gently. I lifted my
head to behold a very pretty being. Men, the
ways of the Lord is mysterious.
“Please, can I see Isaiah?”
She asked. Well, who am my not to do my job.
I switched to phoney immediately.
“Uhm, he is not around. I believe he should be
on his way back to the office.”
I ended with a sweet smile. My colleague
sensing what I was about doing just shook his
head and went into his office. Kai, who would
see the creature before me and not give her
the sweetest smiles? Most times, you don’t
need to talk to some women, just smile. There
are lots and lots of hidden messages in that
smile. She sat down and waited for the dude
she had come to seen.
Minutes later the door flew open. The guy
bounced in but stopped in his track. A look of
shock then surprise then happiness (i be
psychic na) flooded his face. The lady on her
own just stood up and flew into his hands.
They did not exchange words o, they just
stood there hugging themselves, then walked
out hand in hand. Me, I felt I had lost out of
the game. Time to concentrate on something
better. I
went into my facebook account and began
chatting with the numerous ladies there.
“Can you help me do something?”
It was Isaiah.
“Anything o, as long as I go get my share
“Kai, Foxy, ba za ka canza ba”
Foxy, you no dey change. (No more
Me, change? Him no hear wetin Paul talk
about Ethiopians and leopards?
“Haba, you know say you be my man.
Anything for you men”
I replied him. This gladdened his heart. I be
How I carry know self.
“Can you help me prepare a Letter of
He asked.
“Of course, why not.”
I just went into my system files, picked one I
had prepared earlier that year, changed the
name to Bridget which he had given me,
printed and handed him a pen to sign it. I was
that good oo.
“Thanks man. I go buy you beer.”
I only laughed and gave him my famous
“I don’t drink beer o.”
“Alomo and weed go do be that?”
He asked silently. We understood ourselves
perfectly well. Though the guy is more on the
drug addicted side.
“Big time. Guy, na Boss place we go buy the
leaves from o. You know say him vegetable
always dey fresh.”
I said and he grinned. He left me and went
out, well, I was still smiling when my phone
vibrated. I picked the crazy Nokia up and
looked at the screen.
One New Message.
“I am sorry if I had sounded somehow the last
You know I am just recovering from
heartbreak and would not want to commit
myself immediately.
Please forgive me. It won’t repeat itself. I love
you more than you love me.”
Perpetual don come again!!!
I dropped the phone. I was happy inside o but
men, I was also confused. So this babe been
don like me na im she wan turn me to her
money bag eh. My finger just dey scratch me
make I call her but my mind dey say make I
relax. If I call am, e go show say I dey
desperate for a come-back. Come-back to
wetin self? Wasting my money without tasting
shi-shi from her honey pot. Some girls just
dey too
wicked walai. After guy don spend for you
finish, you go come break up with am. Once
them realize say them really gain from you
and no maga dey forthcoming, them go use
sweet talk take bath your ear. If you mumu,
you go fall the second time.
“Na wetin this babe want now? After she don
form finish she wan come back. Maybe I go
draw her oil
this time”

Na so I dey carry talk to myself when
something dey bother me. Una no fit blame
me sha, every man dey always determine to
succeed for where him been fail before.
“brrr brrr”
My phone begin ring. I look the call, na so I
ignore am. The phone come ring 4 more
times. All na Perpetual dey on the line. Kai, I
just dey gyrate say na my time to do yanga be
that. I no call am till when I close from office.
Na that time I say make I call her so that I go
gist the short journey from my office down to
bridge or massalaci junction wey I go see car
“The number you are calling is not reachable.
Please try again later”
Thunder go fire MTN or the mumu network
wey no good. Useless people wey no dey like
their customer enjoy better thing. Na so I say
make I begin vex when my phone start to dey
ring again.
“brrrr brrrr”
I no form big boy o. After all, na she wan
apologize no be me. Na so I pick the call
come keep quiet for like 5 seconds.
“Hello, are you there?”
Kai, I miss that voice. Na so I swallow spit
compose myself. I no wan talk like say I dey
Everything na step by step.
“Yes, I am”
I answered, my voice come even surprise me.
The bass just come out, men, I come dey trip
for myself.
See bass abeg.
“Did you see my message?”
See question. I blind?
“Nah, did you send any message?”
I want make she use her mouth take talk
wetin dey the message. Una no fit blame me
na, once the wind change, na to mess follow
the direction. Na who dey road go hear the
“Ok, maybe network is holding the message
even though it showed ‘delivered’ on my
phone. Did you see my missed calls?”
Them no dey lie for this kind question. Mind
you, no be lie I dey lie, I just dey play matured
“I did but I was busy.”
Na so her voice change…
“Busy doing what eh!”
O boy, the babe never change o.
“If you are going to talk to me in that manner, I
will drop this call”
Na so I threaten am. By that time I don dey
wait for car make e come.
“I am sorry. I love you and I want to be with
Walahi, this kind question no be me dey
answer am, na my diicck dey always do the
talking. The preek just charge slightly as my
mind just imagine how her body go look like if
she no wear cloth.
Na wetin comot from my mouth but for my
mind na
“Is that all you will say?”
By that time car don come and I don jump
enter inside after elbowing one guy comot
from road. The guy self just dey outside dey
abuse me. For where, I send am, me don enter
car, na wetin important be that
“Hey see, we will talk later. I just entered into a
car.” (this line famous ma)
Na so I drop call before she fit protest.
Minutes later….
“I will be waiting for you in Oceanic Bakery”


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