Free food…. Free p’u’s’sy… Free bed for the
night.. If na so prison dey walai some people
go sentence themselves to life imprisonment.
Make una help me check this thing out na,
even if na you, babe call you, promise you
toto, promise you food and where to crash for
the night, you go dull?
After that call my mind was just thinking of
the things I would do to her body. Spending
the night with a girl should mean “All Night
Choping” na. Well, that single thought alone
made my diicckk to do the typing for me. Kai,
every where I looked in the office, I see a
beautiful n’a’aked body staring at me. I had to
go to the restroom severally because the cold
from the AC coupled with the crazy e;rection
of my diccckk was pissing me off. Na so so
piss (no wanking oo) I just dey piss.
“Attai, you have been smiling since”
It was my colleague. Chei, this guy wan spoil
“Yes o. I am so happy within me.”
I answered him hoping he was going to free
“What’s the source of your happiness?”
See, normally I should be ignoring the guy but
getting him angry gives me the greatest joy.
You may call me a sadist o but most time I
derive as much pleasure getting people angry
as I make them happy. Such is life. I don’t
have to please you at all times.
“I am going for an all night”
Now that answer is the best and I wasn’t
lying. I was saying the truth in black and
“Wow, that’s great o. It means you have been
listening to me.”
He said. Listening to who? Me listen to you?
You go die better die.
“Yes na, I want to model my life like you. You
know what Jesus said about them white-
washed cemeteries na?”
He looked at me confusingly.
“Did Jesus make any statement?”
I shook my head. The preacher is preaching
but is not grounded. These are the kind of
people that are easily toyed with. You see
them holding a big Bible but they don’t know
“You eh. So you want me to start preaching to
you eh? You are supposed to be my father in
the Lord na.”
I said to him secretly enjoying the moment.
“Just tell me. I have not come across that part
Kai, this guy no do bible study when him be
“Okay, I will tell you only this one time.
According to Jesus, cemeteries are beautiful
outside but are filled with unclean things and
dead men bones inside.”
See, I suppose be pastor o, make una pay una
tithe with the number for my signature. Don’t
give something that cost you nothing o. Be
“How does that relate to this issue here?”
“See, I want to be doing holy holy outside.
When I am in the secret, I will do my bad
things. That way I will appear righteous in
your eyes. You know I don’t trust you.
Hmmm… Woe unto the hypocrites who show
holy holy when their sin is worse than our own
o. Your hell fire no be here.”
I concluded. He just stood looking at me like
he was contemplating what to say next.
“May God forgive you.”
Now let’s move to Catholic When the Priest
mentions a blessing on the congregation
during mass, they always reply him.
“All also you.”
I replied him. He just did this “holier than
thou” face and walked into his own office. See
me o. Why this guy wan spoil my day na.
Haba, all the imaginations wey I don get for
this matter, I no sure say I go allow am spoil
am for me.
“Hello, have you closed yet?”
That was hours later o. I had not so I told her
so. But men, conji had built up to an
“insummable” level that I had to look for an
excuse to skip office. I waited till my boss
returned then squeezed my face like one who
had diarrhea. I went to knock on her office
I did not say anything, I just stood with that
face looking at her.
“What is wrong with you?”
She asked. Now I stepped in.
“I don’t know ma o. Maybe it is this okpa.”
“I have always warned you to always watch
the way you consume that product. You don’t
know how it is made, the water that is used.
God, you might have gotten poisoned from it
Madam release me abeg. Make the poison kill
me sake of say I come tell you?
“Take this N3,000. Treat yourself. If you are
not strong enough, you can skip work
Chei!!! The best boss ever. I thanked her.
Collected the money and walked to my table.
Picked my bag and crawled out. As soon as I
got to the lift, I was healed miraculously.
Believe in miracles ooo…
Sometimes e dey get as e dey be when nature
wan punish you. You go don put high hopes
for something finish, na so your hand go come
fall. Na wetin me I experience be that o. But
that no be wetin happen. For example now, if
person promise me money, I no dey include
am for my personal budget because the
person fit fail me.
I left the office feeling high and mighty. I felt I
had the best brain in the world. Work closes
by 6pm but I left around 5pm. My plans was
to get into the hold-up (we don’t call it traffic
in Abuja. You can spend 3hrs in a 20 minutes
journey) quickly. I was singing loud to my
song, “Celebrity” which I did earlier that
month. Men, I was feeling the lame lines I was
I got to the bus stop. You know, they said
Goodluck Ebele Jonathan was passing, only
God knows where that guy goes to. Whenever
he is passing eh, all the roads are blocked for
security reasons. No be say the man go even
come outside come wave person self. So no
one should be standing on the bridge beside
NNPC Towers. Kai, I had to move to Massalaci
junction to get a car. Cars were not coming,
policemen had stopped all of them. Goodluck
was like 1 hour away. That was how I waited
for an hour. After Goodluck passed, the roads
were reopened. People who had closed came
to join us and we became a crowd of people
waiting for cars.
Some drivers could be so wicked. Going to
Maraba is N100, Nyanya goes at same price
but everything tripled that night. Nyanya
became 150, Maraba N200. Kai…. I was really
angry. I had budgeted the money given to me
by Madam so aint no way I am forming big
boy o. I waited and waited before this El-rufai
came o. El-Rufai (Abuja) = BRT (Lagos). Na
so I push, drag, pinch before I succeed enter
inside car. Everywhere dey full and na to stand
na im remain.
Na so I stand for car o, car begin drive, we
reach AYA realize say na from there hold-up
start from. Men, na so my leg pain me till we
reach Nyanya. Na from there I climb another
car. I reach Maraba I don already tire finish.
Men, I just dey come down, I comot Phone call
this chick tell her say I don reach, na so she
shout give me. Men, I begin happy o as she
tell me say she don cook finish. She been
think say I go disappoint her. Damn… Me? For
free toto, food and bed? Maka gini…
I had crossed over the road to the other side
clutching tightly on my phone. I had made the
first call codedly so I was not planing on
risking it the second time. Those guys with
eagle eyes must have sighted me. The boys
dey snatching phone from car wey dey drive
120 km/h, my own go be play be that na. I
remember when them been collect my phone. I
been dey use one confirm express music and I
just landed Abuja newly. I was leaving for the
hotel I was employed in very early in the
morning. I had brought out my phone to
download games. I never knew one of them
phone-snatchers saw me. The guy trailed the
car till it was about to leave the hold up. He
struck, kai, I held my phone tight but he
twisted my fingers and removed it from my
I been think say heart attack wan catch me.
Na so my phone carry go? Everybody for car
begin tell me sorry. Even the mumu driver dey
tell me talk say him been wan tell me but im
mind comot from there. As I reach work begin
yan people the story, all of them come dey tell
me say na mumu I be. Me? mumu? Sake of
say person force phone comot from my hand
o. I no blame them. How I for do am? CHase
am when my seat belt (I sat on the front
passenger seat) hold me down like captured
As soon as I entered into the park, I went
straight to where bikes were parked. Picked
one, bargained and hopped on it. I was feeling
the gently breeze that brushed my face as the
My Nokia begin ring. I pick am look the name.
Choi, my belle sweet me die. Na one confirm
babe wey me dey like for Nairaland na her dey
call. I pick call begin yan with her but along
the line she begin tell me say she no dey hear
me. I tell her say make she call me later say I
dey on top of bike dey go house. For where?
I got to Assemblies of God at Aso, picked my
phone confidently since the phone snatchers
don’t operate in the inner part of Maraba and
called this girl. She picked it at the first ring.
Minutes later she appeared. Na so she wear
one blue top on top lo black skirt come
carry head-tie cover herself like Hausa girl.
“Attai, I miss you.”
Miss? When we see?
She come hug me. Na so signal waka enter
my brain because her kind of hugging na the
one wey them dey carry hand take hold preek.
“where is your place?”
I no wan waste time o.
“It’s over there. We have to be quiet about it. I
don’t want my landlord finding out.”
I only nodded and allowed her lead me
through twists and turns of the ghetto looking
Maraba. We entered into her compound and
straight into her room. The place looked like
the normal student abi na spinster room self.
Bed on the rug carpet, bags hanging on the
wall, a wardrobe full of clothes. Tell me why
women like clothes pass men. The most
beautiful thing in the room was the pot that
was still steaming on the fire. The aroma
wasn’t clear though.
“Please take that pot outside. I hate smoke”
I complained to her which she quickly did. She
came back to meet me laughing over the
phone. The female Nairalander stayed on the
call for close to 20 minutes after which I bade
her goodnight with sweet words. Jeez, this
babe was right there. She did not interrupt the
call. She waited for me to finish.
“Who was that?”
I replied curtly. It is only women that are
allowed to have male friends. Men are not
allowed o. You are either with them or with
“A friend ba? So you keep girlfriend for house
wan come fu’u’ck me ba?”
That’s how raw she can get with her mouth o.
I was just starting to realize that I had entered
“It is not what you think o. Give me food make
I eat jor.”
I sort of commanded her. She obliged my
request but I refused eating the food until she
joined me. I no wan hear say na only my
stomach go swell-up. I no care if she hide the
“Who was that girl you spent so long a time
She dropped the question again. I looked at
her and swallowed. I had finished eating, gone
to bathroom, freshened up and was only
putting on my boxers. She had stripped
herself n’a’ked and was lying close to me.
If na you, how you wan carry tell her say na
“so cute was the bliss” call?
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