I was in awe of Mom saying p—y and d–k
in front of me. I’d heard her say way worse
when eavesdropping… but she was pretty
prim and proper when I was around…
usually tolerating my perverted father’s
verbal excesses but not joining in.
“Such a double standard,” Mom said.
“It’s just the way the universe works,” Dad
“Well I totally disagree. I’d rather watch a
guy blow or f–k another guy than see two
girls eating twat,” Mom added, playing
around and enjoying turning it on her
“Gross, gross, gross,” Dad said, actually
shaking his head.
Mom continued, “What? You wouldn’t let
Dave suck your c–k? I hear guys
arefarbetter c–k suckers than we gals.”
I was shocked (in a good way, in an awe-
struck way) by Mom’s blatant sex talk.
Hearing her saycock suckerwas so f—–g
hot! Dave, by the way, was an openly gay
man who lived down the street from us.
“F–k, no!” Dad declared firmly.
Mom continued, “Why? A mouth is a
mouth, and Dave’s mouth would know what
to do with your little man far better than
mine does. I don’t evenhavea c–k, so how
am I supposed to know what to do with
yours?” She was really laying it on thick,
knowing full well about Dad’s homophobic
buttons and joyfully hammering every one
of them. Both Mom and I were working
extremely hard to contain our laughter.
“I’m not a faggot!” Dad yelled, getting riled
Mom usually backed down as soon as Dad
got like this, but this time she didn’t. She
said, “I didn’t say you were. Sucking d–k
makes you a faggot, or taking it up the a-s,
but getting blown by a guy doesn’t. It’s not
contrary to nature, it’s hot!”
“Let’s drop this,” Dad said annoyed.
Mom shrugged, “I was just pointing out
your hypocritical point of view.”
He said, “I’m a guy, it’s how we all think,
isn’t it Wade?”
Here I had to pick a side, but the reality
was I had gay friends and I didn’t see it as
a big deal. If a guy wants to suck d–k or
take it in the a-s that’s his prerogative… it’s
not for me to judge. That said, it wasn’t
something I was into doing. Dad was
looking in the mirror at me as I said,
“Honestly, Dad? Gay, bi, lez or straight, it’s
all the same to me. People are people.”
“Exactly,” Mom agreed.
Dad sighed heavily.
Mom said, looking back at me, “So no
“Just a chick you f–k sometimes,” Dad
added, still in full testosterone mode.
“Yeah, something like that,” I agreed.
And then there was silence.
We got to our hotel room and I went to the
bathroom to change into a suit as Dad
joked, “You can change right here, you
don’t have anything your mother hasn’t
“Stop being an a-s, Eric,” Mom said, clearly
annoyed at her husband.
Mom had used herthis is donetone, so Dad
didn’t say anything else as I went and
When I came out Mom complimented, “You
look very handsome, Wade.”
As I looked at Mom’s big t–s showcased in
the black dress and then down to her black
nylons and her perfectly manicured red
toenails in her hosiery, I replied, not trying
to hide my sincerity, “You look beautiful
“Hear that, Eric? Your son was the first one
to give me a compliment today.”
Eric sighed, “This is one of thoseI can’t
windays, isn’t it?”
“It’s beginning to look that way,” my Mom
nodded, clearly annoyed at Dad…
something that would be remembered as a
theme of today and tonight.
At the church, as I sat on one side of Mom,
Dad on the other, I noticed as her dress
rode up just enough, that she was wearing
thigh high stockings. This of course made
my d–k instantly wake up and secretly
salute her. F–k, she had amazing legs.
Then throughout the bizarre service (the
rings were on candy canes, their oaths
were based on the 12 Days of Christmas,
but the weirdest was that the groom was
dressed as Santa, the bride was in a
traditional white wedding dress but knee-
length so I (and everyone else but I
probably cared more) could see her red
nylons and her green heels… the wedding
party was all dressed as elves). But
inadvertently driving me crazy, my Mom
sitting next to me was restlessly sliding her
feet in and out of her heels.
F–k, I was so h—y and knew I’d have to
find a way to shoot a load tonight either in
a bathroom or some chick (my success
rate at getting laid at weddings 67
percent… although on very limited data…
just three weddings, all last summer. At the
first I got a bridesmaid who was a year
older than I and after striking out at
wedding two, I ended up in the back of a
limo with the bride’s MILF mother… that
itself could be an entire story).
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