I was planning to throw grenade on those two big mouthed noisemakers at my window when PHCN saved them, and entirely different scenario played out. This new noise dey like say earthquake attacked my yard.
Voices: nepaaaa!! them don bring light ooohh! on television!! useless people aaaayyyy!
Kids were running upadan shouting as if PHCN isn’t part of our daily benefit as people that are paying bills.
And they did what they know best, them collect the light after making them to jubilate and behave like mad people.
Curses section took over, as everyone base on their faith called on whatever they served to take the life of the person that was in charge of switching off the light. Some even send darkness to remain in his family forever, some even want him to be shocked by electricity next time he try to stop their merriment halfway.
I come dey wonder if the ‘Mr off and on’ was immune to all these dangerous curses, with wetin I dey hear na steady burial for anybody wey dey control that department oh.
The light returned again but no one celebrated it as they did again.
Cynthia came back from the market, I have decided to rest on the bed and look for sleep wherever she has gone to.
So I didn’t bother looking at them as they discussed or the noise coming from television, everything na just noise because I dey worried.
I did a mental picture of two dangerous and powerful women in my life and the lot fell on Aisha and Madam Stella, I wonder which of them is planning my doom.
The one at the top list that will host a mega city celebration if I die is Aisha, so that I no go come back to claim her unborn child. Las las I dey come for that baby even if her husband na general or over-lord, whatever that mean.
Madam Stella- she nofit kill me, the sweetness of my amu have turned her brain upside down, mba! am her sweet boy. Wetin she go gain? the other woman must be a very old woman from my village.
Ugochukwu: Cyn… Cyn.. Fine girl, I no know say you sabi cook like this oh, and my friend no tell me.
Cynthia: you don see am na, this one na small thing. If I mean am to cook ehnn.. You go lick the plate and wash it with your tongue.
I turned on the bed and faced towards were the two adults are committing fornication, as a morally right hand man that doesn’t support such, I have to stop them before pan-t and boxer go disappear from children of G** waist.
Ugochukwu: and I dey fine wife to bring to my mama for village rubbing Cynthia’s arm
Cynthia: I no wan marry now, I still wan flex small till you turn thirty
I nodey understand the way she dey giggle upadan, I cleared my throat loudly and their two turned.
Me: na here ona wan do love wan chi chi for my house?
Ugochukwu: we no go go anywhere tomorrow oh!
Ugochukwu must have figured out my plan to pour sand sand for inside em garri.
I have to respect myself and leave them alone, I find my way to the kitchen and served myself, making sure I took enough chicken laps, meats, fish in my plate. na my money.
I chewed some in the kitchen one thing one thing is the reason, I came out and saw the two guests I was hosting missing.
I wonder if them wan do Nigeria movie surprise with me, even the plate wey Ugo chop finish dey on top the table.
I first confirmed if they hid under the bed, I didn’t find them under there. I got up and looked for them in the restrooms, I gave up and went back to my food.
I devoured the delicious rice and stew, I make mistake to call am rice and stew ’cause na money I dey chop.
A knock landed on my door and I invited them in, it was Akpan and his wife who came back to me since I have forgotten my promise to them.
Akpan & Eni: honourable talk and do!
Me: make ona no vex, I dey come.
I got inside my wardrobe and took out some wad of thousand bills numbering ten, they thanked me warmly and left.
Ugochukwu later appeared after I was done eating my money singing one strange song.
Ugochukwu: oohh! ooohh!! C bee!! ooohh! ooohh!! C bee!! sweet well well.
He opened the door and entered, I was sitting on the bed when he entered dancing and singing that mumu song.
Me: that girl get HIV.
Ugochukwu: which girl?
I laid on the bed for him to kill himself, he stopped thinking and walked to the bed and sat beside me still processing what I said.
Ugochukwu: you mean Cynthia.
Me: yes na, she get HIV. I wan warn you, but you fast pass your shadow.
Ugochukwu: you for tell me na! and we do am without condom! he start whimpering
Me: shebi no be tell, I just tell you now?
Ugochukwu: .. Oh… chai… oohh!
Me: na lie oh!
Ugochukwu didn’t know how to react to the new news I gave to him, I just pitied the guy oh. Before em go start to cry like small pikin.
The next morning, we dressed up and ready to go out.
My phone beeped and I checked the message, it was an alert of 2 million naira.
My phone rang and it was the governor, no dully. I picked the call sharp sharp.
Governor: the senator’s son agreed to run for the position, and his father is beginning to re-think. You see the money I send give you?
Me: yes your excellency.
Governor: more is coming your way if your plan work.
Naso the call ended, rich people call dey different from poor people own. rich people go straight to the point and end the call, poor people go wan talk plenty talk to get sympathy or to smuggle small money from you.
It was very early when we moved out of my yard before dawn, it was still early as we drove to the church Ugochukwu told me we are heading to.
The sun started rising while we were on the busy road, I didn’t notice we really have an escort until we stopped at a church gate.
Suddenly a power bike stopped behind us as we stepped out of the car.
One of them held a gun and pointed at me, he wore a mask.
I no know where fear run go.
He shot me twice and I didn’t move a bit, I stared at him.
Gunman: aaahhh! Aaaahhh!!
He shot me again. And the gun did nothing, he ran back and join his fellow mumu.
Gunman: ewwwwoooohhhh! he shout
And they rode off, that is when my spirit return. Because I don already see myself for land of death oh!!
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