Ugochukwu: laughing allow that boy na, make em no campaign again for em candidate?
Joshua took some steps towards the door and stood there for some minutes.
Joshua: uncle, she talk say she be still virgin.
Me: I go kill person oh!
I sprung up from the chair lifting the low stool, I only heard the loud bang of the door and I didn’t see him again were he was when he said that nonsense.
Wetin virgin wan help me for my present situation, I sat back on the chair and watched Ugochukwu laughing seriously.
Me: the whole thing no funny at all
Ugochukwu: is like this Ada sabi bribe oh, see the way your brother dey campaign for her.
Me: the thing shock me too, is like Ada don bewitch my brother.
Ugochukwu: tell me about her na.
My phone rang and I brought it out and saw Anderson as the caller, I come remember say I no see Anderson since wey we return from the Village Chief house.
I picked the call and placed the phone on my ear.
Anderson: honourable, abeg.. I no know where I dey?
Me: look around, wetin you see?
Anderson: television and laptops with people.
Me: you dey Bet9ja office?
Anderson: ehhnn.. But I no know how manage?
Me: you no know how manage? na how manage turn you to goat and tie you with rope then drag you go there?
Anderson: yes, true. Because as I dey like this I dey owe them one thousand naira and them no want my commot here until I pay them.
Me: so wetin you want make I do?
Anderson: use your voice for collateral.
Me: which bank be that? How I wan do that kind thing?
Anderson: abeg, just tell them say make them follow me come house. Them be your village boys, I still get money for house.
Me: give them the phone.
I spoke to the guys and they agreed to come over to take the money, them say them go collect Transport fare as if no be legs them go use trek come my house.
I ended the call, I no blame them sha..
Ugochukwu: na Anderson again?
Me: you don see am na.
Ugochukwu: bet9ja don make that boy mad, this one don pass children play.
I was quiet thinking about Aisha that Dolce lady of a woman, which plan is she planning. She has refused calling or even texting me, hope the plan she has for me is the plan of good and not to destroy me.
We sat at the frontage until Anderson arrived with the boys, he settled them and they left while we all went inside.
I met my Uncle Harry-P and Teacher with Old Soldier watching a movie, Papa Jayjay was there also. I and Ugochukwu sat and joined them while Anderson went in and returned some minutes later, Papa Jayjay declared himself sleepy and went in.
Only to appear again with a bible in his hand.
Papa Jayjay: who is this alienated deluded dunce swimming in the pool of discombobulation that he has gone eyed blind to decipher the segregation betwixt scriptural book and coupon, what an acme impiety! my candid proposition for him to be supplanted in the funny-farm rather be in dome of sane entities of my apogee.
Anderson: take am easy na, I just put only slip inside your bible na you wan fall this roof with your grammar, you better pray make I win that slip ’cause na better money I go win. A whole two million, make all of join hands in prayer.
Harry-P: singing Bet na for our lazy youth, me wey I dey hustle with my album. Mama say son you go make am.
Me: na em make you no make am, uncle.
Ugochukwu: my G** isn’t a G** of Bet9ja.
Me: which of the gods you dey talk about?
My Uncle Harry-P stood up and left the sitting-room to sleep.
The door opened and Rufus stepped in smiling and grinning from ear to ear, Papa Jayjay hissed and threw the slip at Anderson who caught and pocketed it.
Rufus: why ona never sleep na? as for me I wan sleep.
Old Soldier and Teacher don go far sef, na television they watch them all along.
Anderson: Oga Rufu, where you dey come from?
Rufus: na grown up man you dey ask that question no be small pikin, I go sing special song for Church.
Anderson: hope say that Church no be person daughter, na you and Old Soldier dey share the same room.
Rufus: no repeat that thing before you die before your time, I nodey sleep with any of them. You better find one room jam-pack those two 80s and 90s men, I say no to Ancient men. Today, I dey sleep in same room with contemporary men and nobody dey rob that chance lai-lai!
Anderson: but Old Soldier na your room-mate.
Rufus: for City, here na village. Avoid me.
He left while I asked Anderson to wake Teacher and Old Soldier up, I switched off the television.
Anderson: tapping Old Soldier wake up!
Old Soldier: the Biafra soldiers don show?
Anderson: no be only Biafra soldier, go sleep inside room.
He moved over to Teacher while Old Soldier stretched and yawned tiredly.
Anderson: Teach oh! wake up go sleep inside room.
Teacher: I wonder what kinds of morals your teacher enrolled you on while you are in school, is it how to wake up an old man like me. Isn’t done that way in the eighties and nineties.
Anderson: na the new way, calendar don change.
I went inside and left them there, Ugochukwu didn’t follow me because he was giggling like aturu watching them..
The next morning my Aunty knock on the door woke me up, I asked her to come in.
Me: aunty, good morning I stretch and yawn
My Aunty: I don tell Joshua make em put Owuze [trans: if em no be] for fire.
Me: Aunty, hiaa.. Owuze no be person name? fire, how?
My Aunty: if no be beans you for no see us again, na wetin we dey eat.
Me: aunty, I no wan eat Owuze. Abeg make ona cook rice, money dey.
I gave her some cash and she left, I dragged my feet from the bed and sat by the side. Ugochukwu was busy snoring, I went out to the frontage and saw Old Soldier doing push-ups and jumping up and down. While Teacher was reading “Things Fall Apart” as usual, he has read that book more than the life span of that book.
Old Soldier: I remember when I was a soldier singing I remember when I was a soldier! jumping up and down
Someone opened the gate and walked in looking unkempt, the man looked familiar but I couldn’t believe my eyes until OATT stood before me.
Me: Mr. Okoye, you fine today oh? wetin be the secret.
Mr. Okoye: abeg, tell EFCC make them leave me hand. I nodey contest election with you again, abeg.
Ugochukwu came out of the room, stretching and yawning.
Ugochukwu: who be this?
Me: na wetin I ask before, na Mr. Okoye the reborn.
Ugochukwu: oga Okoye, wetin you come do here.
Okoye: I come beg.
Ugochukwu: aaahh! aahhh! between two of ona, who dey beg who?
Me: ask me oh, because our two dey stand.
Ugochukwu: kneel down and hands up, then beg. Abi beggar don start to dey fight human rights too?
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