MR HENRY, THE CAPTAIN NIGERIA – Hilarious! … (18+) … Part 12



Henry busied himself on his phone reading a series from a blog, CoolStories22.Com – it had become his favourite blog after Shola introduced him to it. He was reading episode fifteen of the story Christmas In November;
Jacinta: “welcome,our husband!” he knew something was up. The usual name she called him was “Oga John!” but “our husband?” that was strange.
Puzzled, he sat and looked at her as she rolled her hands over the eyes like one who was just waking up,
John: “Hah!” unconsciously he said.
Margret: “wetin na?”
John: “Nooo…na di name wey she call me surprise me na!”
They both said, “You no bi our husband?”
John looked pleased, the perplexed feeling had gone with the thin air,
John: “Dis wan wey una don dey talk well. E bi laik say God don touch una heart oo!”
Margret and Jacinta exchanged look, Jacinta gave a nod,
Margret: “Eh, we realize say we bin dey annoy God as we dey disrespect you so…”
Jacinta cut in,
Jacinta: “…An God say na man bi di head of family!” John was giggling like a child who had a full bottle of soft drink all to himself,
He rubbed his hands against each other and licking his lips,
John: “As una don realize know make una come una perform una duties na!” the two of them climbed on the bed, “Noooooo!” he screamed, “una wan ki me? No bi wetin I mean!” they were giggling, “I dey Hungr..!”
Margret: “but we want give you work-out food first na!” he pointed to his zip and rubbed his head.
John giggled,
John: “work-out food for threesome? Hmm… Eh, but na after I don chaw first na! “ he patted the two of them, “una know say dis tin need to get ginger first na and na food go bring em!”
Jacinta winked. The elder daughter was awake but pretended to be asleep. She was giggling in whispers; for she knew the dangers of been caught.
Margret with her growing stomach left to get the food. John removed his shirt displaying the palm-size pot belly shone as the light landed on it. Carried away he started whistling,
Jacinta: “Our husband you wake the children na!”
John stopped,
John: “Ah no mind me. As una dey treat me di tin just carry my sense go!” he tapped her playfully, “ Di carry my sense go!” he giggled again rubbing his head, she pouted her mouth at him when he wasn’t looking.
Margret was back holding a tray as Jacinta dropped a stool before John and the tray was dropped on it. He was salivating, rubbed his chest with vigour then his mouth before opening the two plates laid before him,
John: “ah! Ah!” they were standing over him. The smiling and romantic gestures had turned stern. He looked up at them and looks at his plates, the bigger one had Garri in it and the smaller was filled with water. He smiled and looked at them,
John: “Make una stop to play na! Oya go carry soup come abeg!”
Jacinta opened her gun first,
Jacinta: “You dey mad!”
Margret opened hers too,
Margret: “if you know want make we do anyhow eh! Begin dey chop dis food with di soup wey we carry give you!”
John: “But na water na!” he sulked.
Jacinta: “ehen you no go tank God say you even see Garri with water chop. You leave money for food?”
Margret: “Useless man! You go wake up comot like dat come come house expect say make your slaves wey you keep cook food for you!”
Jacinta: “Oya begin chop am before we change for you na!”
John: “God dey look una ooo ! Dis tin no good ooo! Diaris God ooo!” they hissed, “I know say dis sweet sweet sometin dey behind em!”
Margret: “Oga John begin chop oooo!” with his hands he molded the Eba dipped it into the plate of water and threw it into his mouth wearing a frown. They smiled looking at each other. The children were awake but they dare not sit up. They giggled. John was eating and pleading but the women weren’t ready to listen…
Henry was laughing, he couldn’t control himself.
Henry: “This AdeLove Stories sef! Making my day already, never a dull moment with this blog. Kaiii..” He laughed really loud. The door creaked open- he was still laughing staring into his phone. It was Shola,
Shola: “Hey baby, what’s making you laugh this loud. I heard your voice from the gate!”
Still laughing, he couldn’t say a word,
“Na wa oo, “she dropped the filled nylon bag on the center table and flung herself on the couch opposite Henry’s, she yawned, “but I can’t smell laughing gas in here now,” finally he caught his breathe.
Henry: “Baby, I just finished reading the episode fifteen of the series running on”
Shola: “ Is it out?”Oh oh, I’ve been anxiously waiting for it ooo,”he nodded and threw his phone to her, she read and started laughing too, “ Very funny!”
Henry giggling,
Henry: “John seemed to be my preferred character in this story.”
Shola: “ah that useless guy?”laughed, “the mumu and drunk. I prefer Jake oo. The boy is just too smart.”
If you haven’t read it, go back and read “CHRISTMAS IN NOVEMBER”.. that story made me shed tears like a little baby. What a Story!
Henry: “Yea,really!”she jumped over to where he was and kissed him.
Shola: “I know our baby would be that smart!” she touched her stomach, his smile disappeared.
Henry: “Are you pregnant?”
She burst into uncontrollable laughter. It irked him as he took his phone and started scrolling through it. The laughter lasted for some minutes. When she was done she clung on him,
“Are you done?”
She nodded smiling and giggled again that time he joined her.
“What’s funny now?” he said punching her mildly, “are you pregnant?”
She nodded a yes and he gawked at her,
Shola: “what?”she smiled at him.
She understood why he reacted that way, “we can’t get pregnant in this my condition you know right?” he had told her and she replied, “why?” he went further to explain, “ that can happen after I have a stable job and I want us to have a white wedding!”
That was too much protocol for Shola, she would have preferred him paying her bride price and they live as husband and wife, “I just see all the marriage ceremonies as waste of time and money!” she always said anytime they talked about marriage.
Henry: “You’re joking right?”
Shola nodded and said,
Shola: “aren’t you happy that I am carrying your child?”
Henry: “You know that’s not the case!” he wore a serious look and she burst into another round of laughter. He knew she was joking.
Shola: “Fear-fear. You sef. We dey do without condom wetin we expect no bi belly?”
He shook his head,
Henry: “No na I-phone 7,”they ended up laughing, “naughty you!”
She rushed to the kitchen to prepare something for them; he followed her in,
“Don’t worry. I’ll cook for you tonight.”
Shola kept a serious face,
Shola: ”I don’t have the number of the hospital’s ambulance driver oo!”
He turned and looked at her with pot in his hands,
Henry: “Oya leave here before I cover you in this pot,” they started laughing.
Quickly she attended to the piled up dishes as he went about his cooking,
“I need to discuss something with you!” the light went off,
Shola: “Oh oh, power holders!” she hissed, “Babe, is there fuel in the gen?”
Henry: “yea, come and help me out here so I’ll go turn it on,”she giggled,
Shola: “opportunity has presented itself and somebori don’t want it to slide by.”
He giggled too,
Henry: “Oh, really? Okay go and put it on!”
Shola: “sorry na. you know it ‘unwomanly’ to put a gen on.”
Henry: “what verse and chapter is it in the bible, please?’ she laughed.
Shola: “Oya sorry now!” he went to turn on the generator to continue the discussion, he returned,
Henry: “I’m thinking of going into taxi business!”
Shola: “Huh?”
Henry nodded,
Henry: “I have thought about it and that is what I wanna do!”
She sighed and remained quiet for a while, “you know for a start.”
She sighed again and hugged him from the back,
Shola: “anything that would make you happy love,” he smiled, turned and held her in his arms and they kissed,” I love you,baby!”
Henry: “ I love you too,baby!”
Very early in the morning Henry was at the park. Most of the streets were still asleep but the park was already bubbling. Henry walked towards a young man who was dressed like a rogue, he was an Agbero, the park’s tout. His lips were all burnt, it was the burn from too much of cigarette consumption and he had scares on his face,
Henry: “Please, I am looking for the chairman of this park!”
The guy gave him a disgusting stare; Henry knew he had flouted the rules of the park. The unspoken rule which was speaking in the Nigerian English creole-Pidgin. Without being told he switched,
“I dey look for chairman for this park!”
Agbero: “Äh,prof? Hope say no lele sha.”
Henry shook his head,
“ Okay na. follow me!”he followed him into a shack of an office and he met a scruffy old man with a very emphatic bald head. He had glasses on and seemed to be engrossed in a big book before him,
Agbero: “Baba prof,person wan see you!”
Henry greeted him and bowed,
Henry: “Good morning,sir”
The man stopped reading lowered his glasses and replied,
Prof: “Good morning, distinguished gentleman!” he said in a very comical tone and accent,turned to the Agbero, “Swagger, be like the fart oozing from the behind of a plethora woman and diminish into thin air!”
Swagger let out a laughter not getting the message of Prof,
Swagger: “Prof! Prof!!! You and big big grammar!”
Prof: “I mean vamoose!” he pointed to the door, Swagger disappeared.
Henry was almost laughing. Could he cope with all those drama around? He thought. Prof turned to him,
‘So who is this embryonic man that is siring me in the early hours of a sweet Monday morning?” If it weren’t that Henry was the only one in the office he would have thought the old man was talking someone else.
Henry stuttered,
“Forgive my bad mannerism. Do make yourself comfortable on my rough hewn chair,” Henry nodded and sat down,
“Shoot gentleman!”
Henry: “sir?”
Prof: “Quit ‘SIRing’ me and shoot! “
Henry got the message and said,
Henry: “I am thinking…”
Prof: “Thinking of?”
Henry: “sorry sir…”
Prof: “… No need for the apologetic gestures my amigo.”
Henry knew he was in for some real drama, he sighed.
Henry: “Sir, I am an experienced driver and I want to ask if there’s a cab or car that needs a driver.”
Prof: “I see!” he seemed impressed, “Do you have a Curriculum Vitae that shows all the experiences you have in your possession?”
Henry whispered to himself, “What sort of jumbling of words is that?”
Henry: “I have,sir!”he handed him a brown envelope and Prof went through it, he nodded,
Prof: “Poignant, Impressive! Without jumbling or muddling words with slobber. I’ll tell you tentatively with the ego as the chairman of this park,” Henry smiled as he continued, “you’re over qualified and we cannot have you as a constituent of this my organization. It’s your type that would come and challenge not just my authority but my intellectualism!” before Henry could say another word, he arranged his glasses and added, “Bon voyage!”
Henry walked out frustrated and bemused, why would someone just see him and draw unreasonable conclusions. Was bad luck smeared on him? He thought.


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