I put one foot forward. Then another. Then the previous one. Then the other. With each step I took, my heart seemed o beat louder in my chest, like a performance of a star gangan drum player. I could now see the door. It loomed large ahead of me despite the fact that it was still quite a few steps away. It was not a very big door. Actually it was quite regular sized but with the way I was feeling, everything seemed to be much bigger than before.
I put another foot forward. Just a few more steps and I would be there.
“Stop!” yelled a voice in my head. “Go back! Go back now! You can’t go through with this.”
“No, no, no, no,” a different voice, this one gentle and soothing and not sounding as insistent as the previous one countered. “Go on. You know you want it. You know you can’t do without it.”
I stopped. Was it so bad that I couldn’t do without It?
“Yes,” aid the first voice. “It’s that bad.
Now turn around and go back to the sitting room. Watch TV. It will take your mind off it.
Just don’ try to go through with this.”
The other voice laughed softly. “We both know you’re not going back. We both know that you can’t resist. Why not save our time and go get it over with already?”
And like a robot, I found myself walking the rest of the distance to the door. Now I was a the door, a door I have stood before so many times but I’ve never felt as guilty standing before it as now. I wanted to go back, goodness knew I did. But I felt like I had been programmed and nothing I tried or did wuld prevent me from doing what I came here to do.
My hand stretched towards the door but just before it made contact, I snatched it back.
What was I thinking? How could I even consider it? After how much pain it had caused me the previous time. And here I was, about to make the same mistake again. I can’t, I thought. I can’t do this.
But my body was thinking differently and before I could turn around and head down the corridor, my hand reached out to the door and, before I could snatch it back again, pushed it open.
The lights inside the room had been switched off but rays of light from the corridor illuminated the room, if only slightly. It was however enough for me to see him lying on the bed, sleeping like a baby and I sighed softly. He looked so angelic in his sleep and I couldn’t help smiling, a sad smile though. Would he want me to do this? How would he react if he even knew what I was thinking? What would he think of me thereafter? My mind was in turmoil and I just stood there in the doorway looking into the room, unable to decide whether to go on or go back.
“Go back!” the first voice cried. “Go back now! It’s for the best. It’s for your own good.”
“You’ve come this far,” the second voice said. “You might as well go the whole way.
What you came for is right there for the taking. Why turn back now?”
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